Trust and believe - my prognosis

In the last couple of weeks the Lord has been treating my unbelieving and distrusting heart. I did not think I would be diagnosed with that disease, but the Lord has truly opened up my heart and revealed that to me very plainly. I have paid more attention to my main symptom. I have suffered from it for years. Anxiety has inhabited who I am for more years than I can count and I was exhausted. I am still exhausted. And so I searched the Lord for answers. And he diagnosed me:

- My dear, you suffer from unbelief. You do not trust me. 

- What do you mean, Lord? I trust you, I am following you.

- Yes, but not wholeheartedly. There is deep distrust in your heart about who I am.

Hearing the prognosis was far from easy. I think I am still recovering from the shock. What do you mean, Lord? I am following you, I am running no more, I want to serve you, and now you tell me I do not believe? 

Yes, I did not believe. I had a heart full of distrust. A heart prone to wander, a heart that found everything and everyone suspicious, including God. If a door opened, I certainly had to make sure everything went according to my plan, because otherwise I would get hurt, because in the end, I was the one controlling everything, planning everything and doing everything by myself.

I did not believe in God's sovereignty. I did not believe his hand was upon it. I did not rest. I did not trust. My lack of trust is obviously translated in unbelief because not trusting means I do not believe who God is: I Am Who I Am, sovereign, good, powerful, kind, patient, loving, mighty, strong, worthy of all the praise, Creator, sweet companion, divine presence. 

And so he said:

- Trust. Believe. Rest. 

Because whenever I project myself, when I predict how things will go, when I try to control everything, when I rehearse how my future will go, what I will do and say, I am seeking to be self-sufficient. I am saying that I  do not need the Creator of the universe. What?

This is a subtle sin. So common that it usually slips by unnoticed. So I am learning...slowly but surely. The God who calls me by name has finished his work since the foundation of the universe. Everything is beautifully orchestrated. I can trust, believe and rest.